So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
