I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
