my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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