so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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