YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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