im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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