Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
