Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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