The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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