The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
