running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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