I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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