laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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