i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
