I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
