my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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