I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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