I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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