gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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