Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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