beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
