We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
