remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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