Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
