you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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