Plan B is the new Plan A
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
