so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
