Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
