I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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