so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
