he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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