there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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