I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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