I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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