I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
