He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
