at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
