Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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