Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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