my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
