I seem to have left my pride at pride
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
