You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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