Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
