Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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