We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
