Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
