What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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