yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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