He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
