Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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