dude i'm inner monologue high
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
