this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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